Our Mass Murdering President

We all know and accept the fact that Hitler was a mass murderer. While he most likely never killed anyone personally, he was responsible for the death of millions. Other people carried out these horrible atrocities while he kept his hands relativley clean. Now lets look at Goerge W. Bush who some have said is the new Hitler, also mass murdering for no other reason than, oh I don't know, lets say he hates Muslims for arguements sake. Well we know he's not doing any of the dirty work and we all know how bad an aim Dick Cheney is, so obviously there are other people carrying out these mass genocides. People that do what they are told and don't talk back, people who's job it is to kill. Well one of those people happens to be my husband. Yep that's right, he's been doing the President's dirty work. He's killed dozens of people, blown them right off the face of this earth, right into a bed of 72 virgins. But with one small difference from the Nazis, who carted off whole familes to concentration camps and then murdered them execution style, or by the popular hands free method of gas chambers, my husband shot people that were shooting at him. That's why they call it a war and not a genocide. Both sides have weapons. There are actually rules to war, rules that take into account the value of human life and the fact that both sides are fighting for something they believe in, good or bad. But this time the bad guys aren't fighting for anything except hate. They hate us, the West. They blame us for the demise of their culture. They hate everything we stand for and would just as soon kill everyone of us if they could. If you value your life and your freedom, if you like working and making money and spending it, wearing whatever you want, saying whatever you want, doing whatever you want and knowing that no one can tell you what to do, then yes there are reasons to fight. There is evil out there that would take it all away from us. I know Harry Taylor (www.thankyouharrytaylor.org)enjoys his freedom. He can disagree and criticize the leader of his country, to his face, and know that nobody can do anything to him. He won't be sent to jail or arrested, he won't even get a ticket or a fine. That's pretty incredible, and I know people that think thats worth fighting for, worth dying for, that have died for that freedom. So yes, lets all thank Harry Taylor for excercising his right to free speech. Lets thank the people that die to give him that right, no matter how naive his statements are. In the hopeless nations that preach hate, statements such as his would literally spell state-sponsered murder. Again, those of inaction and appeasement are determined to cover up their yellowbellies with hollow political outbursts. Drop your Latte and get in the fight. Your IKEA catalogues and Range Rovers depend on it.

The Baby Bug

Well being a girl in my mid 20's and married, I have started to get a tinge of the baby bug. For me this meant wanting a baby slightly more than I hate people with babies. But only slightly. Now I know having a baby is a blessing and wonderful event ...for the parents and family. For everyone else it really just deosn't matter....at all. One day at my job this older lady I worked with came walking around to everyone's cubicle with this baby. Who's baby was it? Some guy in sales. Ok great get that baby out of my face. It's not like this was the first baby ever. It's not like you personally did anything all that amazing, we all know how babies are made. The whole thing makes me never want to join that "club of craziness" otherwise known as motherhood. However a month ago my husband and I went to visit our new baby nephew Maximilian. He is absolutely delicious. My other sister in-law is also gaga and will be pregnant with in the year, no doubt. I started thinking about it, and wondering if maybe I too could have a baby in the near future. That was untill we got home and noticed that our neighbors had had their baby. Now by neighbor I mean we share a wall. Our bedroom wall with their bedroom right on the otherside. To make things worse our heads are right up against it. At night as we get all ready to go to sleep just like clock work we hear the baby. It's not loud but it is the most incredibly annoying sound. I think to myself, if I am this bothered by a baby crying and one that, mind you, I don't even have to get up and bother with, then we need to take a step back on the wanting a baby thing. Aaah I can hear it right now as I type. Lovely. I want to bang on the wall and yell at them to shut that thing up. I think my baby bug has been totally cured. At least for now.

What a Dick!

Alright so we all know that this alleged "accident" our VP was recently involved in was anything but. He was so obviously trying to kill that man. Anyone who thinks otherwise is just crazy or maybe a republican (wait isn't that the same thing). When he didn't let the media know immediately, what other explanation could we have? I don't buy all this "our main concern was getting him to the hospital" bullshit. I think it's amusing how this is just another example of our administration being the complete bumblefucks that they are. If you can't even kill a close personal friend correctly how can we trust you to do anything right. I can think of a million other ways to better get the job done than an elaborate "hunting accident" here are just a few.

1) Get a little closer to target
2) Aim at target
3) Use a weapon that would actually do the job
4) Do it at night
5) Don't let a bunch of people witness you
6) Don't call an ambulance, this will definitely have an unfavorable outcome
7) Hire the mob to do it
8) Tell the press right after, that way they won't suspect anything
9) Just wait it out, that guy was really old and bound to kick it soon anyway
10) Make sure the glove doesn't fit
11) Take a lesson from past Presidents and deny anything even happened

My Interview wirh Cyndi Lauper

I recently sat down to interview one of our generations leading politcal analysts, to discuss the current situation of our country and the direction its heading. She's studied military strategy, foreign policy and has extensive knowledge of politics in general. She's got a Phd in funky dressing and has coined the phrase "Don't blame me, I voted for Kerry," please help me welcome Ms. Cyndi Lauper!

DG: Hello Cyndi welcome thank you for coming. So how are you?

CL: Great, great thanks for having me, I'm really jazzed about being here.

DG: Oh me too! I know if there's one person I can go to, to find out the state of the world around me, it's you Cyndi.

CL: Yeah, it's true. I'm totally out there and active and making my voice heard.

DG: You sure are and for that I give you kudos. Now lets get down to the hard topics. In a recent hard hitting interview you did on VH1's 100 Celebrities That Resemble Their Dogs, you made the comment that America was becoming a Fascist state. Tell me your thoughts behind those powerful words.

CL: Well just look at our President. He wants to spy on us all and take away our freedom of speech and expression and make us all these total squares. It's like Susan (Sarandon) said, Its like I'm living in the movie 1984 or something.

DG: True, true, I completely agree

CL: And we can all see from Katrina how much he hates black people and poor people! All he wants is to make all his oil buddies richer and richer. . He lied about WMD's, and the whole Saddam is evil propaganda, I mean I'd rather deal with him than Bush any day. I don't see him sending his daughters over there to fight.

DG: Good point, because as we all know the government can come in the night and snatch us away and force us to join the Army. I hope that doesn't happen to me, I'd be shit with a gun.

CL: Yeah, me too

DG: In closing Cyndi, I'd like to quote one of your most famous works if I may?

CL: Sure go ahead

DG: (ahem) "Why in the world can't they understand, girls they want to have fu-un, Oh girls just want to have fun." Still powerful words after all these years, they really stand the test of time.

CL: Thanks

DG: Now let me pose this question to you in closing, do you think the girls in Iraq are having much fun, and lets go ahead and include all the Middle East ladies in this as well. Are they having as much fun as, say you and me?

CL: Oh sure, probably more, at least they don't have to live in a country with a horrible President that doesn't care about anyone but his gun toting buddies, telling them what to do every minute of the day. Plus, they don't have to worry about, like, going to school, getting a job, voting, or even thinking really, how much more fun can they possibly have? I'd trade places with those gals anyday!

DG: I couldn't have said it any better. But we wouldn't trade you for anything Cyndi, how could we follow your stunning fashion sense if you were all covered up in a burkha everytime you left the tent? I don't think they come in orange. My thanks to Cyndi and all the other washed up musicians/slash political activists that bring so much to the table. Good night

Blog Hating Bloggers Unite!

The other day a few comrades and I decided that blogs and all blog related things including blogging, bloggers and blogs themselves were stupid and inane. We wanted a way to make all those pretentious assholes stop talking about their fucking kids and their god damn low self esteem. We wanted to let them know that they are not Carrie Bradshaw, and never will be, if for no other reason than that they are too fat and ugly. We pondered these thoughts for weeks, discussing ,debating, creating pie charts. We survived on nothing but tequila and hoho's and thoughts of how we could make this world a little better, a little brighter, a little less bloggy. We needed a medium though, a medium to get our message to the masses. A way to tell the 30 something housewives to stop, stop stealing pieces of our souls when we happen upon your blogs. To tell them that their "random thoughts" were killing our brain cells. Then Tom had an idea, he said "If only we could get like a big dry erase board of sorts, that lots of people could see and read." Then Jill chimed in "We'd need magnets or post-it notes so people could add comments, and we could keep our info fresh and up to date!" Then it hit me and I said "Hey guys why don't we use my blog to start getting people in the know!" Everyone loved this idea. We all started clapping and cheering and high fiving like no one's business. We got right on setting it up. "We've got the upper hand now," Tom shouted as he began laughing maniacally, "We've got the upper hand now"!